I dunno what he’s talking about… I thought 2007 was a very good year! I mean for weapon based lunch items!
By Paulrus
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Posted by Shawn Handyside on September 1, 2011 · 4:28 PM
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Categories: PC, Secret Items, Tasty Treats, Team Fortress 2, Valve Software · Leave a comment (120 Comments) |
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120 Responses to “THE TRUTH ABOUT VINTAGE TF2 ITEMS”
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Hmm... it's that time of year again. Yep that's right, con season! We're hitting the road to meet fans, hock funny t-shirts and give out high-fives!
Then after that it's straight off to Dallas, Texas for A-Kon!
Email your video game related LOLZ to and if it's good we'll post it! (4.86 out of 5) (4.83 out of 5) (4.83 out of 5) (4.83 out of 5) (4.83 out of 5) (4.83 out of 5) (4.83 out of 5) (4.82 out of 5) (4.82 out of 5) (4.82 out of 5)(see more...)
Did you know the site has over 2,500 video game themed lolz? 
I don't know what bothers me more. The description of the vintage items. Or the fact that Shawn called Jarate a "Lunch Item."
That sandvich has saved my life many times and you're basically telling me to throw it out? Screw that! Just scrape off the mold and I'm good.
The mold gives it flavor.
And now every TF2 player here thinks back to see if they've ever traded something for a stranger's jar of piss.
Maybe he has a different view of life than us? :P
Didn't you know? Bear Grylls is Shawn's long lost brother.
OH YEAH WELL……you know what you're right. I'm really not being fair, if Shawn wants to drink Jarate as though it were lemonade, sweet lemonade, yeah sweet lemonade, then I should let him.
Vintage Jarate…
Either it can be yellow, or red…
I told my friend he should stop using his vintage sandvich. He never listened… Poor Steve. :(
Don't worry about the Bonk! atomic punch. Soda lasts as long as… A game of monopoly. (Approximately 42 years.) The no-contact version of course.
Oh Paulrus. Is there anything you can't make disturbing?
Indeed. I like to spread the scraped mold on my chocolate bar and place it between two raw buffalo steaks and slightly melt the chocolate taking care not to cook the other items.
Oh hell. I had to get some jarate for that solemn vow…. Ew… I carry around a statue made of other people's solidified piss..
It was once food? I dunno!
… does anyone else read the description for the jar and think "man how long does it take piss to turn solid?"
I'll never look at Solemn Vow crit kills the same again.
Well it has aged in a way that it can take you around the universe and all the other places too.
That sounds divine. I would love to wash that down with some dusty old soda and possibly a bottle of "milk"
Walrus_Wheaton? would enjoy this post.
<img src=http://www.cotygonzales.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/walrus_2.jpg>
I would also like to say that I find last statement offensive. No soda can be that flat.
JARA-
<img src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_mkE0QXeOebk/TQ2U-v7ESjI/AAAAAAAAAHc/mjkO9EGYovo/s1600/P1070918.JPG"">
On second thought…
Nevermind…
<img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3363/5742340026_5833c3f074_o.png">
A good way to finish yourself before humiliation round begins, that's for sure.
Shawn, isn't that similar to saying that a Port-a-Potty is an all-you-can-eat buffet?
REVELATION!
BONK! Atomic Punch is actually Nuka-Cola. THE WORLD NOW MAKES SENSE.
At least it's not the Jarate of Time… that stuff's been sitting in the temple for how many YEARS?
Really? mines purple O_o
ಠ_ಠ
Technically the world is now a desert.
I always thought that "Vintage" meant it gets laced with gold and encrusted diamonds. That's how I take my Bonk energy drink.
And now for something COMPLETELY different:
<img src="http://i464.photobucket.com/albums/rr8/liongate6/gentlemen.jpg" border="0" gentlemen Pictures, Images and Photos"/>
The fact that it regenerates itself is unnerving too.
Surely both BONK! Atomic Punch and Crit-a-Cola are PROTOTYPES of Nuka Cola.
First they made BONK!, which gave them their desired shelf life for a radioactive Drink.
Then they made Crit-a-Cola in an attempt to bring that radioactive kick to a more popular flavour of soft beverage.
However, Crit-a-Cola was a large failure as it's shelf life was nothing like BONK!. Many attempts later, they finally perfected their Radioactive soft beverages and released it under the name Nuka Cola.
Reminds me of a story. I recommend you not eat before reading this comment.
A few years ago my family was asked to help a friend clean out her parent's house. They died in a car accident and she wasn't comfortable with pitching their items.
Despite being rich, we learned that they lived cheaply and kept a lot of things. Also, they were down in Florida when they died and it was for a long period. Needless to say, lots of nasty forgotten food items. One day we had to deal with a meat locker full of spoiled meat; a result of the freezer breaking down when they were gone and then fixing itself.
But the kicker were the mysterious jars or brown substance we found by the toilet in the back room……
Nick: Paulrus? Is now a good time?
Okay.
I was thinking about making a follow-up, but I couldn't think of any good jokes for the other vintage items.
I like my vintage steak all the extra toppings gives heavy more fuel for killing tiny baby men
Shawn probably saw "Waterworld".
Enough said.
Probably.
Hope it wasn't the one for the Virtual Boy.
Nope. The film.
Unless the game has a piss-drinking mingame.
Isn't that what Vegemite is?
It looks like crystalized honey, it feels like crystalized honey, and you best hope, not ingested by you.
Now I understand why my Milk is Mad.
……annnnnnd now I have an overwhelming urge to description tag my vintage items, thanks Shawn!
Dude, go on! I was totally hooked!
you employ more restraint than most movie producers
Still not as long as Diplomacy.
Mmmm delicious flat chest.
I mean I'm totally not a pedophlie what're you talking about?!
vintage Dalokohs bar 25 years in your pocket and it's still surprisingly solid.
<img src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-srgCSMXIz5g/TZ0WHYiaaeI/AAAAAAAAAJQ/MnsBhwZcvlw/s1600/monty-python-announce.jpg" /img>
Well, duh! This is obviously in the same universe as….
Wait…. Shit. Which one is that game where you can eat chicken from a garbage can for a full heal?
Well, it was piss-poor.
<img src="http://i139.photobucket.com/albums/q290/riggs777/JediKnightsofNi1.jpg" border="0" JediKnightsofNi Pictures, Images and Photos"/>
I use the vintage huntsman. It's so coo-*snap* Hey, free scrap metal.
That's what she said.
Vintage Demoman's Afro
Surprisingly still beautiful and frizzy after decades of being stuck in a dumpster.
Actually, nevermind. That one kinda sucks. Still, nice submish, Paulrus. :-)
I'm not sure if that's such a great idea…
I don't know about you, but I wouldn't want to smell the Soldier's Vintage Gunboats.
It says solidified in the description…. so… snowcones anyone?
Not.
Thanks for reminding me! I have to yell at valve to make some edible cigarettes for the spy. :)
The ammonia and salts in urine start to crystallize after about 48 hours, but it takes forever for it to completely solidify unless it's got ventilation (the parts that can't solidify have to evaporate).
I know this because I found a scale model of the fortress of solitude made of cat urine that was hiding behind an armchair in a room no-one in my house goes in because it's out of the way.
As for the Vintage Crit-a-cola description: I'm of the opinion that when a flat chested girl hugs you, they're holding you closer to their heart. (Sappy and cliche, but I stick to it).
Vab, you're always disproving people. :D
Can't let you prove that, comment box!
That sandvich is so retro, it has 8-bit tomatoes.
My friend has a Vintage Vintage Tyrolean.
Vintage within Vintage? Hmmmmm
its a crafted item that is made by using lunch liquid items… so…
whats the problem?
New Item Found: "The Chocolate Cigar"
Because even Spies need comedic value. :D
Can't let you stop me, Man. XD
Needs more Vintage. :D
Now for the next question….strange jarate.
I always thought carrying around "Vintage" food was a bad idea…
I imagine it would last a little more like a game of Risk.
I doubt he could make Cromartie High School disturbing.
Then again, why fix what's not broken?
Then I take it the bathroom is your restaurant. Assuming nobody flushes, or the toilet is broken.
I think that last one gave me diabetes just by reading it.
…In a sappy, good way, I mean.
Can't let YOU stop ME!
*intractable stalemate follows*
I HAVE A VINTAGE JARATE. YOUR STALEMATE IS INVALID.
I HAVE A LAKE TO JUMP INTO. YOUR JARATE IS INVALID.
The lake is now Jarate!
Everything is possible when you are a Sniper
I am now Yoko
…
where's the Brainbleach already?
Hmm…that's nasty but not as nasty as this story I read:
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/33334537…
I HAVE A FALCON PUNCH! YOUR MENTAL SCARRING IS INVALID!
Ya mommas so old, Valve put a second vintage in her name!
That second part completely overshadowed the creep factor of the first part. Well done!
rel="nofollow">
I wonder which is worse…Server-Clearing Jarate, or Gore-Spattered Jarate?
You'd figure they'd add the Massed Flies effect to them.
*Knocks papers on desk*
To summarize your responses as allegory:
These fishsticks are burnt on the outside and frozen on the inside, so it balances out.
As if congealed cola wouldn't already give you diabetes.
On a Topic related note:
Has anyone encountered Vintage Items that were implemented AFTER the vintage update? If it seems strange, I have a vintage copy or two of items that came after the vintagification.
EDIT:
I fully plan on providing pics if challenged on that.
I WAS about to make a snarky comment involving the ingredients for Vegemite, but it seems that I accidentally obtained Marmite on my last grocery run.
That in itself is a miracle because neither of those are easy to find around here, seeing as I am neither in Australia nor Great Britain.
Either way, I would like to state that a Sandvich with mold on it is by far more appetizing than a Sandvich with Vegemite on it. It's an acquired taste not even I've fully grown accustomed to. I just pretend to like it to seem classy, in the hopes that I will one day be able to enjoy it (it's like super salty soy sauce jelly with a pungent kick to it in flavor and consistency.)
Or face-melting Jarate…
Or Hale's Own Jarate…..
Not only called it a lunch item but probably also created a bust with 8 jars of piss… NOW THAT'S DEDICATION!
You might want to see a medic about that :D
random….but link needs to be center of attention
Post Worthy?
The assasin's equivalent to falling on your sword.
Paulrus needs to do a description of the Vintage Vintage Tyroleon.
No you don't.
And you will never know.
And you will never want to know.
*shudder*
You found: Nuka-Cola
Makes you run insanely fast.
Makes you invincable.
Disable's weapons.
Blows up you and anyone around you after effects are over.
Pro-tip: Nuka-Cola is actually a parody of Dr. Pepper (17 flavors in one, instead of 20 something), and Nuka-cola Quantum is the same thing +1 flavor and Strontium 90.
BONK! Atomic punch is an indeterminate blend of Sugar, Carbonated Water, and Radioactive isotopes (those are the only ingredients).
The world no longer makes sense, forever.
Fun fact: Adding a certain strontium isotope to tonic water makes it glow blue like it's been exposed to UV radiation (If you put a bottle of Tonic Water in a tanning bed you get the same effect.) It looks sufficiently like Nuka-Cola Quantum.
SCREW INVALIDITY!
I HAVE MONEY!
Wait, his mom is a hat?
SCREW THE MONEY!
I HAVE RULES!
Wait a minute…
Technically a beret, but let's not split hairs.
I saw this on dA before it came here :D
I knew it would show up here :3c
I tried it once in a hotel brunch, because a stereotypically Australian dragon mentions it in rel="nofollow">this video. I then had to scrape it off my tongue with a knife to stop the gagging.
Marmite is even more foul tasting than vegemite. I can at least pretend to like Vegemite (I fake it rather well), but Marmite is the same stuff made with a different base (Vegemite is formed from blend of various roots and soy, Marmite is based with Yeast Extract. Otherwise identical in composition and production) and it's strong enough to make me make faces trying to get the taste out of my mouth.
Kingmaker trumps all that. I inherited a Limited Edition War of the Roses Kingmaker set.
An average match of kingmaker lasts longer than most D&D campaigns. It's basically Diplomacy except you can only forge alliances with certain people. Catholics and Catholics, Protestants and Protestants. The War of the Roses was a war of supremacy between the noble houses of Britain and their religious affiliations.
SCREW THE RULES!
I HAVE LADIES!!!
This isn't about hair. This is about YOUR MOM.
Fun fact time!
Barring artificial preservatives, there are specific concentrations of salt, sugar, or alcohol required for an edible substance to be considered legally preserved.
28% Alcohol
40% Salinity
70% Sugar (I pulled this one out of nowhere, but it seems right chemically. It won't be higher, but chances are its lower. Better safe than sorry.)
Even then, the maximum time naturally preserved goods are legal for sale is 3 years of shelf life at minimum concentration.
So basically, a Sandvich made of super-sweet white-bread, wine stewed tomatoes, and virginia ham meets the US health standards for food that can be sold 3 years after production.
I don't know who would eat that, but it's still cool.
<img src="http://profile.ak.fbcdn.net/hprofile-ak-snc4/41672_100000043102137_1366_n.jpg" /img>
FRESH TALE, COMRADE!
*facepalm*
That's a low blow.
Mindlesspedia is disappoint.
Now that I found you, I believe you have made a jab at Dr.Pepper with the Crit-a-cola, no? Or just happened to be similar?
Congratulations. You are the first, and only, user to get the reference.
Have a trophy.
<img src="http://www.hrwiki.org/w/images/thumb/d/de/pizza_trophy_award.PNG/90px-pizza_trophy_award.PNG" alt="some_text"/>
And a +1 thumb thing.
To everyone else, if you can guess the meanings of the numbers for Bonk! and Jarate, you can win a wonderful picture of Fluttershy standing on a turnip!
….why?
So Vintage Mad Milk would mean it is cheese?
I was about to say Plutonium and not number two, but then I realized that I didn't particularly enjoy Ponies.
How many days does it usually take to complete, if no one gives up because they're sick of playing it by then?
Cromartie High School is full of win.
http://robot6.comicbookresources.com/wp-content/u…
Read backwards of course :P
OBJECTION! Vintage Mad Milk wouldn't exist. Mad Milk came out with the polycount update and vintage items were those earned, found, or crafted BEFORE the polycount update! Logic. It's a superpower now.
Pencil Box
Takes 3 seconds to eat, causes 50 damage to you but makes all attacks deal 10% more damage for 20 seconds.