Finally, a practical use for all that portal technology! Assuming that providing a system for letting 13 year olds capture and fight local wildlife is in your definition of “practical.”
By our buddy Caldwell! [LOLDWELL], submitted by several people
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Posted by Shawn Handyside on May 9, 2011 · 12:10 PM
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Categories: Artistic, Cray-Z Crossovers, Extreme CloseUp, Nintendo, Pokémon, Portal, Science/Math, Secret Items, Sequential Art, Valve Software · Leave a comment (178 Comments) |
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Email your video game related LOLZ to and if it's good we'll post it!
Did you know the site has over 2,500 video game themed lolz? 
So does that makes the professor of all generations actually are workers from Aperture?
Oak actually is …GABE JOHNSON!
He came as fast as he could when you made combustible lemons.
And yet no one noticed until the fifth generation.
110% capture success rate.
If a Pokeball transports them to an Aperture Science Heat-Supplemented Creature Holding Cell, it would explain why all Pokemon are screaming as they're let out.
Because they were screaming the whole time.
The Aperture Science Monster Capturing Capsule is desgined to contain monsters of the pocket variety. Do not touch the operational part of the capsule. Do not look directly into the operation part of the capsule. Do not submerge the capsule in water, even partially.
<img src="http://i.imgur.com/I7Wfu.png">
Clearly those pokeballs are knock-offs.
Everyone knows real pokeballs are made by Silph Co.
Shawn: MOAR PORTAL PICTURES!!
Slave: B-but, sir, we are overdoing it, a-and it's time for a pokemon submission, here is one of Gary oak with sunglasses an-
Shawn: I SAID MORE PORTAL!!
Slave: s-sir, if we don't post pokemon pictures the server will implode upon itself, you know that…
Shawn: POST PORTAL PICTURES DISGUISED AS POKEMON PICTURES! *whips his slave*
And that's why today happened. :)
after almost 2 years of being in halolz I have finally reached 69…. oh the joy and pain I went to get this far… so many memories….. so many memes, falcons and wolfs.
now I go after the new goal so many are after, the little group of elites that are the over 100 e-peen.
I wish luck to anybody in the same quest as me and for the new halolzer and the old one I wish you the best of luck with the funny quotes and witty things you will coment in the future.
Cave….CAVE Johnson…
We're done here
I always suspected that the pokedex was some kind of A.I. geting information for a research center…
Indeed, you would think they were all good readers, communicating via speech bubble and all
i cant say his name or he will know where i am!
it is ok because this is also pokemon related.
"The lab boys are telling me I ought to stop making these pre-recorded Portal submissions. That gave me an idea: make more pre-recorded Portal submissions! I pay the bills here, I can talk about Portal 2 all damn day!" -Shawn
Gasp, what do you think he will do when he finds you?
In the worst scenario i will become a mantis man.
You guys have it lucky, we had to carry our "digital monsters" around in public. Try blending in when you have a rabbit-terrier with machine guns for hands follow you around.
Portals, Mantis Men, Extreme laxatives what could Aperture Science think of next?!
*cut to board meeting*
Office Drone: "Mr. Johnson, we can't seem to think of any new ways to spit in the face of god! What could we possibly do to continue our efforts in raping the laws of nature?!"
Cave Johnson: "Gentlemen, four words," *table pops up with first pokeball and pikachu* "Genetic Splicing and Cock Fighting!"
Office Drone 2: "Uh sir that's five wor-"
*Cave Johnson pulls out exploding lemon pistol and burns office drone 2*
Office Drone: "Brilliant!"
First Pikachu: "Kiiiiillllll Meeeeeee"
true, but if he doesn't seem too angry, invite him in for dinner.
one thing though, never, NEVER give him anything which even remotely tastes like lemon!
Then what about those made by Kurt from Apricorns?
Just tell them that those are plushies (if they're small) or robots (if they're big)
They'll never know the difference!
I bet Aperture Science is the reason why since Gen IV the bag can carry an infinite amount of items.
I don't remember how long this took me, and somehow I skipped from 68 right to 71, I was sad
Well, you certainly can use them to lure them, like PokeBlocks in the Safari Zone.
The Master Ball has a near flawless capture rate, but it has failed before. When it did, I imagine the trainer said "Time out for a second. That wasn't supposed to happen."
QUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!!!!!
I specifically called dibs on all horrible mutated creatures/monster related research!
And King has the enslavement department!
Remember how much Black Mesa's thefts hurt? Do you really want to do that to your frie… partn… colleag… associat… riva… acquaint… um… people that you have a certain mutual respect for in a similar field as you who go outside of just as many boundaries as you?
Wow… come to think of it, I can sorta see why you did it.
Silph Co. got bought out by Aperture in 200x
Bullcrap. Science has done weirder things. Why just this morning I set out to cross breed an orangutan with a coconut. Why? Science! …and a five dollar bet. The funny part is that we now have to patent the cocotan. We're already trying to weaponize it, because that's what investors in a pharmaceutical company want: biological weapons that are sins against a loving god.
But yeah, the whole "you can't catch a Pokemon with fruits" is just propaganda Silph Co. is trying to put out there to keep people from checking out the indie market or pirating Pokeballs. Why am I telling you this? Because they refused to recognize the Licker as a Pokemon! It's discrimination against man made monsters. The only reason they let Mewtwo in was because he technically came from Mew, whom they recognized. They also refused to market our version of repel, which yes was derived from nerve gas, but was much more effective! It kept all life away from you, including plants! No more need for wasting a slot on cut! Think of the possibilities!
If your poke-mon get cut during any of these tests, you may notice their blood is pure gasoline, thats normal. We have put invisible pills in your poke-balls to make them weaker to fire types so all that means is that its working!
rel="nofollow">
Good God! All the color drained out of her hat emblem! … And eyes…
I think Aperture still has a little problem with asbestos.
Like Abstergo and New Fluoride?
More like Umbrella and viruses.
Are the instructions on every vial you make "In case of productivity, break glass"?
I guess that WAS the surprise.
Hey, these are better than the MvC3 jokes.
What about Kurt?
<img src="http://i1142.photobucket.com/albums/n610/pioneer11111/index.png?t=1304967467">
I want a Level Ball!
I'm just loving the originality in the endless river of portal jokes.
I think we need to update that pie chart.
We tried to stop him, but Shawn just came in and started putting portal stuff everywhere!
I… I think he's gone now… but I think I saw him heading for the realm of Kratos with his portal gun and a bag of lemons.
Arceus help us all.
Make life take the pokeballs back!
I don't wanna talk to no Poke scientist!
Stupid catch rates, gettin me pissed!
Then he gave the rebellious slaves a slow, painful death.
In neurotoxin..
…well at least it was a fitting death.
"I DON'T WANT YOUR DAMN APRICORNS! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? I'M THE MAN WHO'S GOING TO BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN! WITH THE APRICORNS!"
Aperture Science
We catch what we must because we can.
For the good of all of us,
except the one's who blacked out.
Silph Co. Ha!
Good one, bud.
We bought them out years ago. After we reclaimed certain lost blueprints… Which had nothing to do with a certain terrorist organization breaking into their headquarters. Not one bit. Corporate Espionage is a dangerous game, my friends.
If they give results, then fine.
If not, then it's witchcraft!
SHUT THE HELL UP, ACE!
You wouldn't want me spewing out how Umbrella has an alleged connection to a certain incident involving various undead creatures. What Aperture Science, and it's subsidiaries, decides to do with our Truthiness and it's applications are our own business.
Then had the bodies flown into space and jettisoned out of the airlock.
Yeah, well at least OUR science was done from scratch.
Fucking Pieces of Eden
You know how hard we worked in order to get that Quantum Space Tunneling Device to work?
A Fucking long time! And we didn't get any help from some magic apple either.
You're just jealous because we beat you to the moon.
—MEMO—
To: Umbrella Incorporated
Cc: Abstergo Industries; Shinra Electric Company
About: Silph Co. Aquisition
—————
The rights to the Silph Co. brand name are currently up for grabs, just as long as we get the royalties from each pokeball sold using our technology.
The rest of the company, including it's Devious Research and Testing Division, can still be purchased.
Get off our back.
So…does anyone else think that Aperture is giving Shawn compensation for these Portal submissions here? It totally can't be Valve since Gabe is too busy swimming in his pool of money.
I thought we already had this discussion. I will never, EVER give up the rights to last piece of pizza. My monetary offer still stands.
*OBLIGATORY COMBUSTIBLE LEMON JOKE*
*OBLIGATORY "CAVE JOHNSON WE'RE DONE HERE" JOKE*
*OBLIGATORY "SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE" JOKE"
I think that covers everything we need in a Portal related post…
And an overall increase of admiration from peers by roughly 1/5ths of original admiration levels
Are you referring to the horrible, horrible problems our FORMER CEO caused? That would be tragic if his image were smeared and the new head were to set forth plans to "shut down" several "recently discovered" and "still operating" labs hidden around the place. Absolutely horrible and in no way cost effective in getting rid of those places. And it would be just so sad for someone to use this tactic as a way of stopping the fall in stock prices caused by the change in management!
I also couldn't imagine if someone in another company was in on this and leaked it on purpose for a certain person in Umbrella to give them a bag of jelly beans the next time they met. A bag with lots of green ones!
Sorry to hear that.
I really wanted that piece.
Make it a Snickers bar and you've got yourself a deal.
Speaking of which, some of your not-spies got caught in the Certainly-Not-An-Anti-Assassin fence again. Could you come by and collect their not-remains later?
I think we already settled the whole moon thing in court. Ah, that was fun. The judge looked ready to throw his gavel at us when you brought up the idea of Schrodinger's Astronauts and we chipped in the idea of "Space Time Zones."
But if you really want to do this, then fine.
At least when we went to the moon, our rock didn't kill our CEO. Hell, even Ace's CEO was smarter than that, and he raised the kid that killed him!
…Alternatively, I could have just said that he started Umbrella.
Hey, I figure if we both pitch in here, you with the Pokeballs, and me with that couch he really wants, we might be able to get alternating ownership of the slice. At the very least it will stop his "Last Slice Dance."
And you thought your pokemans were safe with nurse joy…
inb4 *OBLIGATORYCAKEISALIEJOKE*
If I may quote Nathan Fillion, "Bam, said the lady."
cake* chart
Fixed.
It all makes sense now!
The mantis men? They're all Scyther!
Pokemon came came from Aperture!
It's kind of hard to pull that off when your "robot" is destroying the world by simply existing.
If pokepall was developed by aperture science, then i wonder what will happen if we put a pokeball inside a pokeball?
you were not in before the cake is a lie joke
rel="nofollow"> YOU LOOSE. GOOD DAY SIR.
I'm gonna have my super nerds invent a combustible apricorn that'll burn your secret base/house down
http://objection.mrdictionary.net/go.php?n=497654…
I smell a lawsuit
Right… our CEO is… dead.
(Note to self: Make sure freezer runs on emergency backup power)
Darn.
Hmm, the only lemons in Pokemon are Nomel berries and Lemonade. Use that instead.
TVTROPES INVULERABILITY! IN YO' FACE!
heh, 7 years on that site always helps in the long run…
Like this!
*throws pokeball, capturing nick soapdish*
How 'bout a heavy ball? There's a new pokemon I want to catch. Here's a picture of it:
<img src="http://www.aeropause.com/wordpress/archives/images/2008/08/tf2-heavy.jpg" alt"" />
Cave Kurt Johnson, he sells those things too.
But I am holding a Green Apricorn!
For that I would need a Black Apricorn!
…..
wait….
I CAN DO ZAT!
HOW DO WE GET A LARGE POKE-MON IN THEM? LIEK THIS!!!
IM GONNA MAKE MY ENGINNERS BUILT A COMBUSTABLE POKEBALL AND BURN DOWN YOU POKEMON CENTER WITH THE POKEBALLS
tf:dr
(too fancy:didnt read)
Then tell me, good sir, why Team Rocket attacked Sliph Co….
unless…
TEAM ROCKET IS BLACK MESA!!!
in the future the Halolz was dark and scarry and th-
…
Actually, we'll leave that for a more suitable time…. ;-)
It's all there in the dictionary, black and white, clear as crystal! It's spelt "lose"! Good day sir!
Scientist: SIR, we've just created hundreds of new dangerous species, what should we do now?
Cave Johnson: Release them all into the wild. Then create some kind of mini containment unit that can recapture them again.
Scientist: S-sir? Isn't that dangerous?
Cave Johnson: Don't worry, we'll be sending kids to capture them, not us.
*Goes to profile and clicks to change name*
Cave Johnson has changed his name to Professor Oak.
Oak: And now I play the waiting game… Those single moms won't know what hit them.
To be fair, where else were they going to come from?
this makes an odd amount of sense
the poke-ball has been rated completely harmless, do not look into the operating end of the device, do not immerse the poke-ball in a liquid even partially, do not try to dismantle the device, and do not look at the back of the poke-ball or else it may cause extreme lose of color to your face and eyes
also
-1 TROLL
IN THE BASE
DISPENSING +1's!
You took my job! Go to space jail!
We need Space Balls in order to better capture space pokemon…in space.
We need the lemon ball for fire type
2 years? I passed 69 after less than a week XD
Am I….. Am I shiny?
In which sense:
1) different color scheme
2) twilight shiny
Yo dog! I heard you like Pokeballs so we put a Pokeball in your Pokeball so you can catch while you catch.
Eggs?
What about Porygon?
It's called magic.
Aperture Science is behind the scenes more often than you think. The Ocarina of Time? Developed by Aperture for the royal Hyrulian family. The subspace bomb that warped half a spaceship over Reach? Copied from plans for an Aperture prototype. Albert Wesker's uncanny ability to dodge bullets and teleport? Technology Umbrella Corp. spies stole from Aperture. The warp pipes scattered throughout the Mushroom Kingdom? Commissioned by Princess Peach from, you guessed it, Aperture.
SPELLING HAMMER!
Impressed.
Mine took about 2 months.
In anycase, haven't seen u around here for a while :D
So…..
Pokemons that are caught in Pokeballs transfers to Aperture Science lab for animal testing??
That's…. Not right…
That would work on all of two Pokemon, I think. Still, I think Aperture can whip something up for you, if you're willing to foot the bill.
He is both
*uses hammer head to smash pokeball*
YOU ARE FREE!
Good luck catching him again.
e- isn't a substitute for the accented e, you know.
*points to the above*
Portals, so now we know, and knowing is half the battle.
THAT MAN HAS A POINT!
*presents NekoKnight with a grammar hammer*
Use this as you please.
Lemonade? THAT'S WHY IT'S OVERPRICED!
SCIENCE WIN
Space jail? How big is it?
MIND IS HURTING. NEED ASPIRIN.
*glitches out*
You encounter a wild GRAMMER HAMMER!
Go VIETNAMESE CRYSTAL!
CRYSTAL used VOLCANO BAKEMEAT.
It's super effective!
inb4GIJoe
…Did I do it right?
*smashes backup generator*
8D
Screw off grammar nazi, in a polite way.
How do you know its money thats in the pool of gaben?
THATS 65% MORE CATCH, PER CATCH!!!!
Cave Johnson here.
Our scientist recently learned that zapping a rat while injecting it with anomalous fluids is NOT a good idea. Rifles were inefective, so we came up with this little guy. Introducing the Pocket Monster Capture Device, otherwise known as the pokeball. New portal technology has allowed us to store any animal in a pocket demention, conveniently placed inside a little ball. Just press the button, throw it nearby the animal, and it will be instantly zapped inside. Expandable and colapsible to fit in a pocket or bag, and enough holding capacity put in a whale. Available at an extremely low price to solve any house hold pest.
Yes, it will also keep those crazy kids under countrol.
Cave Johnson, we're done here.
Don't worry about catching that Charzard, all Aperture technologies remain safely operational up to 4,000 degrees.
it was a pokeball (the general term for balls used to capture pokemon, ie masterball, great ball), not a PokeBall.
actually it was a MountainBall, made out of 50% mountain, 50% diamond and 50% pulverized moon stone
good, you found the dispenser!
I was worried that I'd have to get mine:
<img src="http://www.thedigitalpanda.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/Aliens-Pez-dispenser2.jpg" alt="" />
*takes candy, chews cautiously*
Looks like I just found a new test subject… you get… Smashy spike plate.
Cleffa, Clefairy, Clafable, Deoxys, Solrock, Lunatone, Jirachi, and any others I may be forgetting and or fifth generation ones I've never heard of.
They're from space.
The first pokemon movie. That's what happens.
Space.
*5000 degrees kelvin
So… Gordon Freeman worked for Team Rocket?
Wait a second… if you took down Team Rocket… YOU'RE THE COMBINE!
yeah it is mostly my fault I don´t post to often now… : P
but I don´t have many original witty things to say about many posts, poor imagination, I blame the television…
I would love to see colonel obvious, daifuku, badonk, TCC, Pate_Tico, and many others that haven´t posted for a while
So that explains Scyther…
But, if he released them all at once, why did it take so long to find the last one, when it took 10 days to find all the first ones?
(applys face to palm) you call yourself a scientist? its 5000 kelvin….
No, thats normal. We simply put them in test chambers to see if they can use portals so all that means is that its normal
^Crappy pun^
I make pokeballs and pokeball accessories.
Freeman and I are double agents,
We work for the secret global police…
you know… the ones surrounding your non-mountain residence right… about… now!
Oops, that comment must've been submitted after I loaded the page. That's what happens when I leave a bunch of tabs open!
I'm tired of Portal, Pokemon is fine, but there are better lolz than Portal Pokemon. Like Pokemon the Musical. rel="nofollow">
You didn't just chip off the Adamant Orb I held did you? Ah well, I guess they're healed straight after (thanks, God)
but… doesn’t silph co. make them?
I DONT WANT YOUR DAMN MAGICARP WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH IT?!?!
You are absolutely correct. I'm sorry I ever doubted you.
7 years?
You're not invulnerable if you've already lost.
*Looks outside*
I knew I shouldn't have stayed in my inferior valley home.
Life makes a bit more sense now. And yet somehow, I am still confused. Shocked. It's like…
Wow.
<img src="http://www.myfacewhen.com/thumbs/tn_165.gif" /img>
think how big space is and then think of a prison for all the planets criminals … basically you going to get tore up
so no mentioning COURAGE KRATOS or candlejack, sounds like a pain in the a-
So does that mean that ash is a combine and pickachu is a vordigaunt?
Walks out of TVTropes in a minute.
It's good enough.
Time for science ^_^
Well now I know what happened to that vial of electric eel DNA I had on my desk…
Do volcanoes count as mountains for your oh-so-secret-global-police? Or are you talking about the police force that I happen to arm with science related weaponry?
hmmmmm. Does lemonade count?
*INSERT OBLIGATORY "SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY" COMMENT*
Poke-ception
sorry, had to
*munch munch* oh sorry I just ate that piece. I mean, come on, it was just there.
::slowly walks out of room::
*more munching sounds*
CAVE JOHNSON HERE WITH THE CANDLEJACK REPULSION DEVICE! TIRED OF HAVING TO AVOID SAYING THOSE DREADFUL WORDS? WELL WORRY NO MORE FOR MY ENGINEERS HAVE INVENTED A NEW DEVICE THAT HAS A 65% CHANCE OF REPELLING CANDLEJACK AT EVERY MENTION OF HIS NAME. IT EVEN WORKS ON COURAGE KRATOS.
CAVE JOHNSON WERE DON-
Well, likely so…
there was always something odd about that Ketchum boy…
So that also means magicarp is a headcrab….
I'd say krabby
But there's no such crying,
over every lost battle.
(Freeman)
I work for the secret global police,
its really underground, you've probably never heard about it.
http://www.halolz.com/2011/04/27/hipster-p-body/
im sorry but i do not get it. and dont explain it to me because i now lost interest
"i punched those numbers into a calculator it made a happy face :)"
Are you insane?! That stuff'll flare up immediately! It's made withAperture's Combustible Lemons!
oops
you do realize that he is a hammer, not a screwdriver
uhhh, I wouldn't do that if I were you. I was doing some lab testing earlier, and well… never mind. At least I'll get a/several new test subject(s) soon.
Then who created the eggs?
Beats me, the Day Care Couple never bothered telling me.
yes silph co. makes them aperture is just jealous because most of their inventions eather cause cancer or are ridiculously expensive
where as silph co products are safe and affordable..
Certainly you mean your not-subjects.
Wait…
If lemon has been "renamed" to Nomel… Then what the hell is lemonade made of?
Grammer?
by god, let that be part of the joke or so help me…
That's right, the MountainBall is so good, it packs 50% more of what is physically possible!
Eeeeeehhhhsorry… Try harder.
Lemonade existed before Nomel Berries by 2 generations. I don't think Game Freak bothered renaming it to "Nomelade".
He didn't not mean the not-subjects that didn't get launched in the not-anti-spy fence, those were not-cyborgs that were miscalculated on the route to not-android hell.
…
Ow,my brain.
It's still a mindfuck that they didn't simply name it Lemon rather than Nomel .__.
Lulz
Soooo, he meant the not-subjects that didn't get launched into the spy fence, that were not-cyborgs that were miscalculated on the route to android hell?
Uggh, double negatives hurt mah mind.
Shall I get the interrogation equipment?
Unfortunately, using Natural Gift with a Nomel Berry only makes it a Dragon type move.
A Voltorb or Electrode in a PokeBall?
That's not a turrent, that's a pokeball…. we sell those too.