Well played Gaben, well played.
Found by Jane L.
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Posted by Shawn Handyside on April 15, 2011 · 3:01 PM
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Categories: Bad Ideas, Incoming Transmission, Internets, Portal, Sneak Attack, Tips & Tricks, Valve Software · Leave a comment (116 Comments) |
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116 Responses to “Door Question”
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Hmm... it's that time of year again. Yep that's right, con season! We're hitting the road to meet fans, hock funny t-shirts and give out high-fives!
Then after that it's straight off to Dallas, Texas for A-Kon!
Email your video game related LOLZ to and if it's good we'll post it! (4.86 out of 5) (4.83 out of 5) (4.83 out of 5) (4.83 out of 5) (4.83 out of 5) (4.83 out of 5) (4.83 out of 5) (4.82 out of 5) (4.82 out of 5) (4.82 out of 5)(see more...)
Did you know the site has over 2,500 video game themed lolz? 
That's fine, paper masks can fool valves turrets.
or just hold a big cube in front of yourself and crouch. Then you can just crawl up and knock it over.
*Uses mirror, confuses turret, steals all copies of Portal 2, sells them on eBay.*
Well then that explains this video. rel="nofollow">
It's okay Brandon, all you have to do is knock it over and you're fine!
They can't fool the fat guys in the flamethrower suits.
Pfft, what idiot would just grab Portal 2? Grab the HEV suit and crowbar, and you're the world's most untouchable man in an instant.
Most untouchable man of science
Hey, while you're in there, see if you can find the glass shell they're keeping HL2:Ep3 in, and then look for the release switch.
<img src="http://images.wikia.com/half-life/en/images/a/a2/Commentary_node.jpg" alt="Pulpit rock" height="258" width="262">
Gabe Newell: Welcome to Valve HQ. Hopefully you have already been able to enjoy our vacant reception area, the scale-size TF2 sentry, and vending machines in your quest to find an unreleased version of [game name here]. You're probably feeling a bit sure of yourself that you have managed to make it this far without anyone calling law officials or feeling the wrath of the after hours janitorial crew. But since we feel that all people should be able to enjoy our titles, whether or not they acquire them legally, feel free to make your way to [Valve department here] to find your copy, but remember that we are not making this easy.
As you were listening to this, we have sealed all the entrances to the premises, including any you've made, and our security system is now releasing a deadly neurotoxin that will flood all the levels of our HQ. If there are any employees that are caught in its wake, they will die eventually though they have since made a living will and signed a statement knowing that we are not responsible. Additionally, we have set up plenty of turrets and other military-grade defenses that should hinder your progress, giving you more time to enjoy the neurotoxin as it fills your lungs and induces blood-filled vomiting.
As you struggle to find [game title here], please also take the time to enjoy the many commentary nodes that we have peppered throughout the premises. These nodes will tell you about the development of [game title here] as well as answer other popular questions like the release date of Half-Life 2: Episode Three, the true gender of the Pyro, our possible involvement with several political assassinations, and my favorite drink.
To listen to a commentary node, put your crosshair over the floating commentary symbol and press your use key. To stop a commentary node, put your crosshair over the rotating node and press the use key again. Some commentary nodes may take control of the game in order to show something to you. In these cases, simply press your use key again to stop the commentary.
If you live, which is highly unlikely, please let me know what you think after you have had a chance to play. I can be reached at gaben@valvesoftware.com, and my favorite pony is Pinkie Pie. Not like you'd live to tell anyone about that. Thanks, and have fun!
Sap it, back-stab the 70 year old security guard and you're good to go.
Brandon: *Breaks in through side entrance* Looks like the coast is clear…
Turret: There you are!
Brandon: O_o
Turret: Dispensing product.
Brandon: Oh God no!
Turret: *opens to reveal copy of Portal 2*
Brandon: Oh… thank you.
and in exchange, you just can't ever speak again.
The most untouchable man in the world would probably Greased Up Deaf Guy from Family Guy.
Turret: That will be $59.99 in U.S. Dollars.
Brandon: *rummage* *Pulls $60 from pocket and gives to the turret.*
Turret: Plus tax. *Laser sight aims at Brandon's head*
Brandon: Uh…
Turret: Are you still there?
Brandon goes through door.
Gabe's Sentry——-->Brandon.
Gabe: Make'n Bacon!
Gabe eats bacon.
Unless you equip HEV and Crowbar to Greased up Deaf Guy and then it is quite possibly something more beautiful then Brody Quest. o_o
Silly Gabe, everyone knows that Fluttershy is the best.
I had completely forgotten that they had an actual turret in their lobby… but does this one fire the whole bullet?
huh i was gonna go to the one with the companion cube outside thanks for the pointer gabe
*sneaks in*
wait a bleeding moment DID HE SAY TURRET!!!
"there you are"………………
but at least when the turret runs out of bullets it makes a lovely greater "hello, are you there"
Only Aperture turrets fire the whole bullet. I don't think Engie figured out how that works, yet.
However that nearby "Conagher" brand turret may prove a major flaw in your exit strategy
Rainbow Dash Dissaproves
one word
<img src="http://memefolder.com/image/671.jpg">
Exactly, which is why Aperture Science should be the place to go for all your auto-aiming turret needs.
*Puts disc in computer*
This product will be available for play on April 19th
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!
He has experience at being a professional troll so I say he will dig up his past and use it one final time to bring hope to the whole world by not only taking Portal 2, but Episode 3 as well.
Applejack Disaphooves
Weta never ceases to amaze me.
Do you think they will know where Portal 2 is kept?
No matter how this scene plays out, Gabe still ends up eating bacon.
Been a long time since you commented, eh? Therefore, your +1s are long overdue. Please proceed to the nearest Halolz member to receive your due +1s.
But what if you add Brodyquest to that as well?
hay guyz derpy
or the creepy australian with the jar of piss
EPONA.
.,…wait.
Fluttershy: Um… delaying games and trolling people is mean so you shouldn't do that anymore. ❤
Gabe: ….
"VALVE ANNOUNCES RELEASE DATE OF HALF-LIFE 2: EPISODE THREE. GAMERS CUM THEIR PANTS."
(alternate version)
Fluttershy: Um… delaying games and trolling people is mean so you shouldn't do that anymore. ❤
Gabe: ….*OM*
"GABE NEWELL EATS HIGHLY EVOLVED AND INTELLIGENT TALKING PONY. SCIENTISTS AND BRONIES RAGE."
(alternate alternate version)
Fluttershy: Um… delaying games and trolling people is mean so you shou-
Gabe: rel="nofollow">ROOOOOOOBOOOOOOTS!!!!!
"HOLY FUCK, ROBOTS."
*GRAMMER HAMMER*
*greeter
plus, how would you catch the greased up deaf guy and get him into the HEV suit? Its not like you can call him over or anything…
great, now we'll never see episode 3
lol, wasn't thinking there, thanks for the catch
*GRAMMAR HAMMER*
*Grammar!
…Did you have this planned out?
He didn't specify which kind of turret it is.
So it'll probably be a Combine Turret, an Aperture Turret, AND a Level 3 Sentry Gun.
Hey, it's a good suggestion. The other two doors lead to an Antlion Guard room, and a room full of his favorite class, the Spy.
And soon enough, Link will be singing "Look at my horse.."
Or hyperactive Boston kids with milk bottles.
I've had that idea on the backburner for awhile now. I think its caramelized by now.
Would he really say it though? I don't really think so.
"Hya!"
HAMMER TIME!
I wonder if that'd work…..
It looks like the turret…
*sunglasses*
will help him.
YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Uh, guys? Why doesn't Paulrus-Keaton have over 100 e-peen? GIVE THIS MAN TEN INTERNETS. *goes to charge his comments up*
*rocks back in forth in the fetal position* just 72 hours and thirty minutes just 72 hours and thirty minutes just 72 hours and thirty minutes just 72 hours and thirty minutes
*Buys every single copy, slips explosives within the envelope and money*
One trainer down…
*Hops into a cardboard box, packaged self to Valve HQ*
Heheh, foolproof plan…
"Oh, THERE you are…"
That's because Gabe ate it thinking it was bacon.
OBJECTION!
*Uses Taunt*
Now you can only attack your copies of Portal 2!
Oh, ok I understand. Well at least call him Lessis or Sessil or Selsis or Lisses or Issles or some anagramatical (is there such a word?) name other than the one-that-shall-not-be-named.
Hey how about this account name? SSSiel.
Eh? Eh?
Bitches don't know about Derpy Hooves.
or the paranoid Texans with wrenches.
Three days…
Three days…
THREE DAYS…
Suggestion: Monday, April 18th be officially Portal day, where we all play Portal, Portal Prelude, and Portal: flash map pack and record either # of deaths or total time playing. Who's with me?
*Throws mail into giant pile*
It explodes…scatting countless bills all over the place in a charcoaled like fashion
DAMN!!! The money!!! I thought that was another bill!!!
SNIVY…SNIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVYYYYYY!!!
Or the steroid induced Russians with sandwiches.
Bitches know about many ponies.
Nobody knows about Luna though.
Shes a lonely pony.
Or sado-masochistic Barvarians with bonesaws.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED rel="nofollow"> rel="nofollow">…
*lack of greased up person*
…
close enough
GEORGIAN STOLE MA HORSE! rel="nofollow">
Candlejack disapproves.
Corny joke, I kn
hehehehehehe.. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! WOOOHARHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!!!
*CONTINUES LAUGHING MANICALLY*
YOU FOOL!
YOU STILL BELIEVES IT EXISTS?!?!
WHEN GABEN DELETED EPISODE 3 HE TALKED
JUST
LIKE
THIIIIIIS!!!!!!
Or scotsmen of african decent with heavy explosives
Or patriots from the American southeast with rocket launchers.
You are right sir. Quickly TO THE MAGNET MOBILE!
To help prevent this problem, Aperture Science has increased the capabilities of a standard turret by allowing it to fire 65% more bullet per bullet.
Humm..how does it work?
rel="nofollow">Like this.
Who?
*Puts Gaben mask on*
Turret: There you are! Deploying!
Spy: Ah no, its just me, Gabe Newell
Turret:I don't hate you! Goodnight
*Spy slowly sneaks past*
And even then you wouldn't have a Greased Up Deaf Guy. You'd just have a nasty greased up HEV suit and crowbar.
Disgusting.
… I would TOTALLY wear that. Y'know. For science. And whatnot.
I do believe the second scenario reaches the most realistic possibility
Gate ate it because it was bacon. Bacon CD's newest invention from Epic Meal Time.
3 days……3 days….
Yes, just 3 more days till we can finally play Portal Tw- hey, is it me or is that moon getting bigger?
Just don't go near any metal stuff or you'll be raging all day.
You'll be Derping if you don't know about Dr Whoof.
Ooh! 128 ! New personal record.
The only way I could get anymore e-peen from this comment is if I had translated it from Japanese.
….I totally translated it from Japanese.
Actually, for the lulz, here's the same post thrown into Google Translate, translated into Japanese, and then translated back into English.
To, Gabe Newell says: Welcome to Valve headquarters. Hopefully you have already [here the name of the game] reception area available in our on your quest to find an unreleased version of the scale size TF2 guards, and are able to enjoy a vending machine that. You probably managed to make the bit without legal officials call it this far by anyone, or feel that your anger felt after the cleaner time. But we are all people, or if you want to get them legally they have since felt that need to be able to enjoy our work, we have to find a copy, this easy Please note that not [Valve Division here] Feel free to check your way.
Since you had heard this, we are, you do, the security system we built, now one has released a lethal poison will flood all levels of the headquarters of our including, to seal the entrance to all premises. If any employee has been caught in its wake, but the subsequent life, we have signed a statement to know that there is no responsibility, and they eventually die. We also are given to enjoy the poison had more time to vomit filled blood to guide fills your lungs, setting the full level of protection for other military turrets and must interfere with your progress being.
[Game title here] to find, as struggles, and please take the time to enjoy many commentators have leveled nodes in our site. And three episodes, pilot, sex real possibility of involvement in political assassinations in several ways: These nodes, game title here] as well as the Half -- Life other common, such as the release date of 2 My favorite thing beverages will introduce developers to answer questions.
To listen to a comment node, the press put your cross on a floating-point explanation of symbols. To stop the comment node, put a cross on the nodes of the rotation, using the press again. You may take the lead of the game to show you something for some explanation nodes. In these cases, press again to stop using just a comment.
If you live in, is very low and I had the opportunity to play after you, please let us know what you think. I, gaben@valvesoftware.com my favorite horse you can reach is Pinkipai. I think you mentioned live to tell anyone about it. Thanks and have fun!
=(
hey im no creeper!
Even better (Read with GLaDOS voice)
"Thank you for breaking into Valve HQ. By doing so you have volunteered to test the equipment for our new game, Portal 2. Please proceed to our recruitment department, where you will undergo a physical assessment before being outfitted with a portal gun and longfall boots, after which you may begin the testing. After the testing there will be cake, and you will be given a chance to appear in our future our game(s) for as long as you survive."
OH MY GOD WHATS WRONG WITH YOUR FAAAAACE.
Thats no moon…
<img src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_4MUf6T4VzPw/Sc_vB2LRTsI/AAAAAAAAG1A/VhAH2DpvmC8/s320/zelda-moon-papercraft.jpg" height="11" width="11">
Wait a minute… no wait, I stand corrected. *RUNS*
Or DJ PON-3
… Pinkipai?
Or subversive Parisians with cigarette cases
MY MIND! *MOOB*
because explosions are too mainstream
Or schizophrenic announcers with silly hairdos
Initiating mandatory package checkpoint system. Proceeding X-Ray scan… life form detected. Activate flamethrowers…
Gabe Newell's stomach is not made of glass.
Or trains.
Gaben is DOMINATING Bacon
Wait… no submissions for a couple of days.
What happened to Shawn?
*Cutaway to Shawn in the Valve Enrichment Center testing Gaben's new feeding troughs*
Shawn: No more! No more! I can't eat another bite!
Gaben: So you aren't going to break into Valve again?
Ya know. This actually got me curious. I went ahead and translated the name of every pony and translated it from English to Japanese to English again.
Here I present to you the Japanese name of every Pony.
Twilight Sparkle = Towairaitosupakuru (What the hell?)
Applejack = Apple Jack (I guess the space makes a difference)
Rainbow Dash stays the same
Fluttershy = Flutter Shy
Rarity = Scarcity (LOL WAT)
As entertaining as that was, I still wasn't satisfied with just the Japanese names. So I used the Bad Translator to see the name of everypony in every language.
"Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Rainbow Dash"
…56 translations later we get:
"The next morning, when the "Welcome" fluttershi. Pink stripes bed."
Uhh…..
With this still up as the top picture, I feel the need to mention that this man has the same first name, last initial, and Valve obsession as a friend of mine. But I know it's not my friend due to the coherent spelling and grammar.
Or buzzsaws.
And then after the burgler is cought Gabe goes back to his pool
<img src="http://scarsofwargame.com/DevBlog/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/Gabe1.jpg">
They're not just banging rocks over there at Aperture Science. They know how to make a quantum space hole.
now that some turrets are in use
we need the gun..
robots? do it!
"… and I said: Translator, are you CRAZ…Oh…"
I KNEW this would come in handy!
<img src="http://cdimg3.crunchyroll.com/i/spire1/01172008/0/5/c/9/05c91a99e9e1a0_full.jpg"/img>
"Pink stripes bed"
Kinky.
WHAT COSTUMER SERVICE FROM GABEN ITS NOT POSSIBLE
you didn't stop. YOU"RE SUPPOSED TO STOP BEFORE HAMMER TIME!!!!
challenge accepted
Or spectral beings (and their brother) with a grudge against anybody who brandishes weapons.